Seeds of Fear in the Garden of My Soul
“For God will never give you the spirit of fear, but the Holy Spirit who gives you mighty power, love, and self-control.”
2 Timothy 1:7 TPT
Sitting at the beach in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico
April 28th, 2025
📍Bucerias, Nayarit, Mexico 🇲🇽
¡Saludos desde el desierto!
Every solo trip I take has an overarching purpose—to engage my heart, mind, and soul in deep dependence on God; to reawaken my awareness through silence and solitude with my Creator in beautiful locations around the world. With that intention, all the time and energy I have invested in nourishing my oneness with Christ have been paying huge dividends, especially on this trip.
After a long spiritual winter season of waiting on God, turning my energy inward and deepening my roots while growing in anticipation for springtime, I can finally see the first shoots of green growth beginning. I can feel my Light shining brightly into the increasing darkness of this world, and it’s palpable for me and noticeable to others.
This month has been a wild series of confirmations of just that. More and more opportunities are presenting themselves for me to witness to the Light and to share Love. From a random teenage girl at the pool to my driver and house cleaner here in Bucerias, I’m making new friends and planting seeds of hope everywhere I go. I’ve also been given opportunities to share myself and my healing journey more fully with close friends this month, and it feels great to be seen in this way, to feel so deeply connected to others.
I can feel my spirit being lifted and my soul’s fire being re-ignited.
I’m excited about that, but this newly invigorated feeling has also prompted me to pause and seek wisdom on why I was feeling burned out in the first place. Beyond being too busy with projects and travel, the Spirit has shown me that I’ve been living under the influence of a spirit of fear (2 Timothy 1:7).
The ocean view from my friends’ place in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico
As someone who often says, “Bravery is not the absence of fear, it’s the choices we make in the face of our fears, and I choose to be brave,” I’ve come to realize just how much entrepreneurial fear I’ve been grappling with. While I have no doubts about the anointing over my life and how YHWH is calling me to show up in this world, I must admit that I am scared of getting burned again; to fail.
When Loto was in its infancy, I attempted to host my first sacred medicine retreat in the woods of Colorado, only to have things fall apart in the last minute (due to things outside my control), requiring me to cancel. My confidence shaken, I had to cancel the retreat and take a loss on the financial and relational investments. I was heartbroken, my confidence shattered.
Fear planted the seed of entrepreneurial failure that day, and this weed has been growing in the garden of my soul ever since (Matthew 13:24-30). I was afraid to move forward with another retreat, and had many unanswered questions, all beginning with “Why?” By the grace of God, I’ve been receiving wisdom and clarity.
““Whatever you plant is what you will harvest. If you plant the seeds of your own broken humanity [fear], you will harvest only death and decay. But if you plant the seeds of the Spirit, then from the Spirit you will harvest the life [light] of the world to come that never fades away, full of beauty and harmony…For when the time is right, we will reap a harvest of good things as long as we do not let our hearts fall to the ground.”—Small Man to the Sacred Families in Land of Pale Skins 6:7-19 [emphasis mine]”
Pictures from the Jardin Botánico de Vallarta
I truly believe that God can and does use everything in life to refine us and our understanding of our life’s calling. As these verses in Matthew state, this weed of fear, planted by the enemy, has been allowed to grow alongside the good seeds until harvest. The roots of both have been growing deeply in the soil of my heart. The growth I am seeing throughout my life and vocation is building towards a harvest.
Harvest season is coming! And these weeds of fear are being uprooted, gathered, and burned up in the fire of God’s blessings on my soul.
And while I may not have a complete picture of what is to come for me or Loto, I don’t need that to move forward. I’m learning to plant seeds for the future and trust that God is watering what is for me, including my hopes and dreams for upcoming retreats in these beautiful gardens in Puerto Vallarta (and eventually to build apostolic hubs and sanctuary retreat spaces around the globe).
I am trusting that the God of the Bible is who They say They are (in reference to the triune personhood of God), and surrendering my will, my way, and my timing to this refining process of the Holy Spirit at work in me.
I pray you, too, will allow God to tend to your soul’s garden and unroot the weeds of fear before harvest.
With Love,
Jennifer
From inside the chapel where I hope to host the 2026 RENEWAL springtime retreat.
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